I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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