my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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