i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
