I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
