I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
