Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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