Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
