i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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