fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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