my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
