I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
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My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
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But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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