Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
