I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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