The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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