You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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