So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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