Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
