I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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