Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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