respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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