Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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