I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
