Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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