nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
