i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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