I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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