he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
