I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
