Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
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