Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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