Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
