Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
