I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
