I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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