Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
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You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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