I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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