Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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