Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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