I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
