i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
