I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
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