Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
