47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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