Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
