im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
