I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
