it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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