explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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