I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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