Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
