The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
