I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
