sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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