I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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